1 00:00:09,251 --> 00:00:11,751 C-SPAN 5 now takes you to testimony 2 00:00:11,753 --> 00:00:14,588 before the Joint Committee on Terrible Events. 3 00:00:17,864 --> 00:00:20,777 The Chair recognizes the woman with the four-foot beehive. 4 00:00:20,779 --> 00:00:23,205 Please state your name and occupation. 5 00:00:23,281 --> 00:00:25,540 Uh, Marjorie Bouvier Simpson. 6 00:00:25,617 --> 00:00:27,525 Mother to three children 7 00:00:27,527 --> 00:00:29,026 and a husband. 8 00:00:29,079 --> 00:00:32,029 She's raising us all on her own. 9 00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:36,534 Mrs. Simpson, please walk us through 10 00:00:36,612 --> 00:00:38,945 the events of March 12. 11 00:00:38,947 --> 00:00:41,965 Well, it all started with what was supposed to be 12 00:00:42,041 --> 00:00:43,725 a happy family trip. 13 00:00:43,802 --> 00:00:48,063 The Simpsons are going to Pile Ridge, Louisiana. 14 00:00:48,140 --> 00:00:50,807 Oh, the trip is already ruined. 15 00:00:50,884 --> 00:00:52,567 What is this gunk? 16 00:00:52,644 --> 00:00:55,237 Oh, that's my lentil soup. 17 00:00:55,388 --> 00:00:56,905 Lisa! 18 00:00:56,907 --> 00:00:58,965 Well, what else am I supposed to eat 19 00:00:58,967 --> 00:01:02,469 at your family's barbaric pig butchery? 20 00:01:02,471 --> 00:01:04,579 It's boucherie. 21 00:01:04,581 --> 00:01:06,973 It's a cherished Bouvier tradition 22 00:01:06,975 --> 00:01:09,233 that reunites our extended family 23 00:01:09,311 --> 00:01:12,236 and celebrates our Cajun roots. 24 00:01:12,314 --> 00:01:13,588 And they shoot the pig in the head, 25 00:01:13,665 --> 00:01:16,316 John Wick-style. Look. 26 00:01:16,318 --> 00:01:18,209 Stop, it's horrifying. 27 00:01:18,244 --> 00:01:21,154 Mmm. Delicious. 28 00:01:22,744 --> 00:01:24,599 Horrifying! 29 00:01:24,676 --> 00:01:26,843 Mr. Simpson, as I understand it, 30 00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:30,922 you were enticed by the thought of enjoying savory meats, 31 00:01:30,941 --> 00:01:34,668 but repulsed by the appearance of your wife's family. 32 00:01:34,670 --> 00:01:37,170 Yes, Senator, I cannot perjure myself. 33 00:01:37,172 --> 00:01:39,281 They are barf in human form. 34 00:01:39,283 --> 00:01:40,615 I reclaim my time. 35 00:01:40,617 --> 00:01:43,443 Traveling brings out Homer's worst qualities. 36 00:01:44,846 --> 00:01:49,015 Oh! All the seats are taken by jerks and their bags. 37 00:01:49,017 --> 00:01:51,217 Maybe we can sit in there. 38 00:01:51,219 --> 00:01:52,544 - _ - That looks comfy. 39 00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:56,280 Squirt em' if you got em'. 40 00:01:56,282 --> 00:01:58,208 Oh! 41 00:01:58,284 --> 00:02:00,952 Your hoops are quivering. Calm down. 42 00:02:00,954 --> 00:02:04,121 Now boarding: Active-duty TV clowns. 43 00:02:06,702 --> 00:02:09,126 Some sober companion you are. 44 00:02:09,128 --> 00:02:10,720 I'm only three hours out of rehab 45 00:02:10,797 --> 00:02:12,647 and I can smell the booze on you. 46 00:02:12,649 --> 00:02:14,799 You mean my hand sanitizer? 47 00:02:14,876 --> 00:02:16,943 Ooh, Daddy want! 48 00:02:18,805 --> 00:02:20,563 Mrs. Simpson, we're overbooked. 49 00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:22,139 Your seats are no longer together. 50 00:02:22,217 --> 00:02:23,383 This is bull! 51 00:02:23,385 --> 00:02:25,885 I demand to speak to Sully Sullenberger! 52 00:02:25,887 --> 00:02:27,329 Homer, stop it. 53 00:02:27,405 --> 00:02:30,390 You always do this. You'll get us banned. 54 00:02:30,392 --> 00:02:32,984 So? We'll take our business elsewh... 55 00:02:34,229 --> 00:02:36,320 There is no elsewhere. 56 00:02:36,398 --> 00:02:38,231 Because of your past behavior, 57 00:02:38,233 --> 00:02:39,841 you're on the No Fly List 58 00:02:39,918 --> 00:02:42,902 of every other airline in the country. 59 00:02:42,904 --> 00:02:44,221 Even Spirit. 60 00:02:44,223 --> 00:02:46,014 Try it again. 61 00:02:49,578 --> 00:02:52,929 So, unless you want all our future vacations 62 00:02:53,081 --> 00:02:56,266 to be at my mother's house, talking her into hospice, 63 00:02:56,418 --> 00:02:59,769 you will hold it together on this flight. 64 00:02:59,771 --> 00:03:02,179 I promise, Marge. I won't let you down. 65 00:03:02,199 --> 00:03:03,757 I do have some good news. 66 00:03:03,775 --> 00:03:06,609 We have one free upgrade for a seat in first class. 67 00:03:06,611 --> 00:03:09,445 Ooh, I bet I'd really keep my promise to behave 68 00:03:09,522 --> 00:03:12,282 if I'm in that spacious lie-flat pod. 69 00:03:12,284 --> 00:03:13,950 Well, you'll never know. 70 00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:15,460 Yoink. 71 00:03:18,957 --> 00:03:22,033 Uh-uh, sweetie, first class is this way. 72 00:03:22,110 --> 00:03:23,126 Welcome. 73 00:03:23,277 --> 00:03:24,277 Oh, my God. 74 00:03:24,279 --> 00:03:25,628 I'm turning left. 75 00:03:25,705 --> 00:03:28,131 I didn't know planes had a left. 76 00:03:29,268 --> 00:03:30,892 Ah. Ooh. 77 00:03:33,546 --> 00:03:34,854 Oh... 78 00:03:37,234 --> 00:03:39,976 Oh, the seat is so plush and comfy. 79 00:03:39,978 --> 00:03:41,385 May I get you anything? 80 00:03:41,463 --> 00:03:43,071 I want everything. 81 00:03:43,148 --> 00:03:45,556 The whole first class experience. 82 00:03:45,634 --> 00:03:49,226 Cold bubbly, warm nuts, hot towel... 83 00:03:49,304 --> 00:03:51,487 all the temperatures! 84 00:03:51,489 --> 00:03:54,808 Let's start you out with a complimentary Moet mimosa 85 00:03:54,810 --> 00:03:56,810 with extra zest and a little... 86 00:03:56,812 --> 00:03:57,919 Oh. 87 00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:05,819 Okay, Homer, you can do this. 88 00:04:05,821 --> 00:04:08,488 Have a pleasant flight for Marge. 89 00:04:09,582 --> 00:04:10,990 - Ow, my head! - Watch it! 90 00:04:10,992 --> 00:04:12,100 Ow! 91 00:04:12,251 --> 00:04:13,343 God, don't let this slob 92 00:04:13,419 --> 00:04:14,752 be next to me. 93 00:04:14,830 --> 00:04:16,104 God, don't let this slob 94 00:04:16,255 --> 00:04:17,680 be next to me. 95 00:04:19,017 --> 00:04:20,257 Good morning, everyone. 96 00:04:20,335 --> 00:04:21,351 My name is Joel, 97 00:04:21,427 --> 00:04:24,354 and I'll be your "wingman" today. 98 00:04:26,469 --> 00:04:27,482 Thank you. 99 00:04:27,484 --> 00:04:30,452 Just a reminder: Federal law prohibits smoking of any kind, 100 00:04:30,528 --> 00:04:33,437 unless, like me, you're smokin' hot. 101 00:04:36,368 --> 00:04:38,126 Oh, great. 102 00:04:38,203 --> 00:04:40,462 Forced comedy at 9:00 in the morning. 103 00:04:41,706 --> 00:04:44,132 Now, Maggie, screens turn brains to mush. 104 00:04:44,283 --> 00:04:46,635 That's why Bart has to take ESL classes. 105 00:04:46,711 --> 00:04:49,304 I'll parent you how I wanted to be parented, 106 00:04:49,381 --> 00:04:52,215 and sibling you how I wanted to be sibbled, 107 00:04:52,291 --> 00:04:56,293 with my Jazz Legends A-to-Z flashcards. 108 00:04:56,371 --> 00:04:58,129 Cannonball Adderley. 109 00:04:58,206 --> 00:05:00,982 He was more hard bop then bebop. 110 00:05:00,984 --> 00:05:02,558 Okay, movie fans, it's time for 111 00:05:02,711 --> 00:05:05,044 everybody's favorite in-flight flick, 112 00:05:05,046 --> 00:05:06,470 the safety demo. 113 00:05:06,548 --> 00:05:08,990 Remember this come Oscar time. 114 00:05:12,554 --> 00:05:16,556 Good thing I've got my annoyance-canceling headphones. 115 00:05:16,558 --> 00:05:19,650 Ooh, we are really packed in here, aren't we? 116 00:05:19,728 --> 00:05:22,745 Something is very wrong with this plane. 117 00:05:22,822 --> 00:05:24,488 This is a trap! 118 00:05:24,566 --> 00:05:26,249 It's a conspiracy to take us down! 119 00:05:26,251 --> 00:05:27,658 - Get out of here! - Oh. Oh! 120 00:05:27,736 --> 00:05:29,252 They're experimenting on us! 121 00:05:29,254 --> 00:05:31,754 I won't be a rat in your flying cage! 122 00:05:31,831 --> 00:05:35,408 Ah, a seat for my second cheek. 123 00:05:35,410 --> 00:05:36,743 Yo, travel trolls. 124 00:05:36,745 --> 00:05:38,745 A crazy lady just got kicked off the plane 125 00:05:38,763 --> 00:05:41,672 so I jump-squatted a sweet aisle seat. 126 00:05:41,674 --> 00:05:44,693 Give my 40,000 followers a moan, bald dude. 127 00:05:44,769 --> 00:05:46,677 D'oh. 128 00:05:46,679 --> 00:05:48,421 ♪ D'oh, d'oh ♪ 129 00:05:48,423 --> 00:05:50,347 ♪ D-d-d-d-d-d'oh ♪ 130 00:05:50,425 --> 00:05:52,659 ♪ D-d-d-d-d-d'oh. ♪ 131 00:05:54,596 --> 00:05:55,954 Toenail clipper? 132 00:05:57,023 --> 00:05:58,081 Sardine eater? 133 00:05:59,117 --> 00:06:01,434 Disgusto-flossers? 134 00:06:01,436 --> 00:06:02,936 Hiya! 135 00:06:02,938 --> 00:06:04,862 Karate children? 136 00:06:04,940 --> 00:06:08,441 Marge, I'm trying to hold it together, 137 00:06:08,443 --> 00:06:10,793 just like I promised. 138 00:06:16,117 --> 00:06:18,618 But it seems like this plane is filled with 139 00:06:18,620 --> 00:06:21,896 all the worst flyers in the world. 140 00:06:21,898 --> 00:06:23,473 Well, his text was correct, senator. 141 00:06:23,549 --> 00:06:26,401 Our airline serves the fastest-growing demographic 142 00:06:26,478 --> 00:06:29,295 in air travel: the criminally obnoxious. 143 00:06:29,297 --> 00:06:30,572 At Convenience Airways, 144 00:06:30,648 --> 00:06:33,833 we fly the No Fly List. 145 00:06:41,434 --> 00:06:44,801 Mr. Wingspan... if that is your funny name... 146 00:06:44,829 --> 00:06:46,329 you mean to tell us 147 00:06:46,331 --> 00:06:49,832 that you filled an entire plane with obnoxious people 148 00:06:49,834 --> 00:06:51,609 who were banned from other airlines? 149 00:06:51,760 --> 00:06:55,504 Yes. Our business model is to cater to C.I.F.s: 150 00:06:55,506 --> 00:06:57,931 "Civility Impaired Fliers." 151 00:06:58,009 --> 00:06:59,933 - Hiya! - Control your team! 152 00:06:59,935 --> 00:07:03,121 Violence is a form of control. 153 00:07:03,272 --> 00:07:05,665 Yes, Sensei. Hiya! 154 00:07:06,626 --> 00:07:08,517 This was our inaugural flight, 155 00:07:08,519 --> 00:07:11,354 testing if the innovative precautions we had taken 156 00:07:11,356 --> 00:07:15,542 were enough to safely transport the rudest of the rude. 157 00:07:15,629 --> 00:07:17,543 - Like this man. - _ 158 00:07:17,545 --> 00:07:19,362 Aw, come on. 159 00:07:19,364 --> 00:07:22,456 You choke out one guy with a seat belt extender 160 00:07:22,533 --> 00:07:23,790 and you're labeled for life. 161 00:07:23,868 --> 00:07:25,384 But on this flight, 162 00:07:25,461 --> 00:07:27,553 I promised Marge I would behave, 163 00:07:27,630 --> 00:07:29,313 and I really tried. 164 00:07:29,390 --> 00:07:30,797 It was torture. 165 00:07:30,799 --> 00:07:32,150 Torture! 166 00:07:33,544 --> 00:07:36,320 Who would do such a thing to Patrick Wilson? 167 00:07:36,472 --> 00:07:38,698 Eyes on your own screen. 168 00:07:40,234 --> 00:07:41,092 Ugh. 169 00:07:41,143 --> 00:07:42,976 And, no, you may not have any of 170 00:07:43,054 --> 00:07:45,388 my triad of expired Christmas delights. 171 00:07:45,390 --> 00:07:46,831 Mmm, cheese. 172 00:07:46,908 --> 00:07:49,167 Mmm, butter, caramel... 173 00:07:50,369 --> 00:07:53,337 Mmm. 174 00:07:53,339 --> 00:07:55,656 And now, the shower of champions. 175 00:07:55,733 --> 00:07:57,049 Huzzah. 176 00:08:02,193 --> 00:08:02,755 Come on. 177 00:08:02,831 --> 00:08:04,182 Uh, excuse me. 178 00:08:04,184 --> 00:08:06,926 I promised my wife I wouldn't fight or yell 179 00:08:07,078 --> 00:08:09,078 or pee anywhere other than the bathroom, 180 00:08:09,080 --> 00:08:13,006 but this guy next to me is making it really hard. 181 00:08:13,026 --> 00:08:14,433 What guy? 182 00:08:14,510 --> 00:08:16,419 The Comic Book Guy guy. 183 00:08:16,421 --> 00:08:18,437 Huh? He just disappeared. 184 00:08:18,439 --> 00:08:22,258 Well, it looks like the problem took care of itself. 185 00:08:22,260 --> 00:08:24,260 That is so weird. 186 00:08:24,262 --> 00:08:26,929 Hey, guys, you asked for it, I'm doing it. 187 00:08:26,931 --> 00:08:30,449 The bathroom sink shrimp scampi challenge. 188 00:08:30,526 --> 00:08:31,951 Oh. 189 00:08:31,953 --> 00:08:35,421 Marge, I'm barely holding it together back here. 190 00:08:35,456 --> 00:08:39,625 Please text me back some sweet words of comfort. 191 00:08:45,633 --> 00:08:47,808 Hey, hey... 192 00:08:48,895 --> 00:08:51,746 - Huzzah... - Hey, hey... 193 00:08:51,822 --> 00:08:53,689 Zounds... 194 00:08:58,145 --> 00:08:59,478 Oh... 195 00:08:59,630 --> 00:09:01,647 needs tonic. 196 00:09:06,395 --> 00:09:08,162 Die, die, die! 197 00:09:09,307 --> 00:09:11,398 No, don't die! 198 00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:12,899 They're all dead. 199 00:09:12,977 --> 00:09:15,044 Oh, I need to play something. 200 00:09:17,982 --> 00:09:19,740 I'm winning. I'm winning. 201 00:09:19,817 --> 00:09:21,259 Just a reminder, folks, 202 00:09:21,335 --> 00:09:24,169 the call button is only for real emergencies, 203 00:09:24,246 --> 00:09:27,339 like if you're down to your last guess on Wordle. 204 00:09:29,510 --> 00:09:32,177 Uh, I have a real emergency. 205 00:09:32,254 --> 00:09:33,662 Your jokes suck. 206 00:09:36,609 --> 00:09:38,442 "S" is for Sun Ra. 207 00:09:38,444 --> 00:09:39,760 He's a little abstract, 208 00:09:39,837 --> 00:09:43,022 but when you get it, you'll really get it. 209 00:09:43,098 --> 00:09:44,840 Dig this. 210 00:09:50,773 --> 00:09:53,198 Somebody shut that brat up! 211 00:09:53,317 --> 00:09:54,458 Oh, that's my brat. 212 00:09:54,535 --> 00:09:55,684 Stop judging her! 213 00:09:55,686 --> 00:09:57,036 I don't know what to do. 214 00:09:57,188 --> 00:10:00,280 I've been turning the jazz up as loud as I can, 215 00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:02,133 but it's not soothing her. 216 00:10:02,209 --> 00:10:04,451 Is this an airline or a nursery? 217 00:10:04,529 --> 00:10:06,378 Mustn't punch the jerk. 218 00:10:06,380 --> 00:10:07,621 Mustn't punch the jerk. 219 00:10:07,698 --> 00:10:10,457 It's so loud, I can barely hear myself 220 00:10:10,535 --> 00:10:12,626 feel up my mistress under this blanket. 221 00:10:12,703 --> 00:10:14,478 Okay, gang, we're about to start 222 00:10:14,555 --> 00:10:16,705 our beverage and snack service. 223 00:10:16,707 --> 00:10:18,057 If you feel like a pretzel, 224 00:10:18,133 --> 00:10:19,650 that means the guy in front of you 225 00:10:19,727 --> 00:10:22,486 has his seat all the way back. 226 00:10:24,215 --> 00:10:26,398 Just because it sounds like a joke 227 00:10:26,475 --> 00:10:27,733 doesn't mean it is one. 228 00:10:30,646 --> 00:10:32,145 Come back in ten years, kid. 229 00:10:32,223 --> 00:10:35,240 I got voicemails older than you. Ha! 230 00:10:38,625 --> 00:10:41,263 And now it's time for your headliner. Me! 231 00:10:41,315 --> 00:10:43,257 This guy's jokes suck so hard, 232 00:10:43,259 --> 00:10:45,167 we're about to lose cabin pressure. 233 00:10:47,913 --> 00:10:50,172 Okay, okay. People, don't encourage him! 234 00:10:50,248 --> 00:10:52,766 ...is what Joel's guidance counselor told his parents. 235 00:10:55,846 --> 00:10:57,146 Give me that. 236 00:10:58,682 --> 00:11:02,167 This is your unfunny flight attendant Joel speaking. 237 00:11:02,169 --> 00:11:04,853 Here are some more of my terrible jokes. 238 00:11:17,460 --> 00:11:20,018 Left forward lavatory. 239 00:11:20,764 --> 00:11:21,829 Ay, caramba! 240 00:11:22,131 --> 00:11:25,374 Okay, so Daddy doesn't get into a fistfight, 241 00:11:25,450 --> 00:11:27,876 we're going to take a little walk. 242 00:11:29,121 --> 00:11:31,639 Dad, I figured out what's gonna calm Maggie. 243 00:11:31,641 --> 00:11:35,367 Improvisations in the style of pre-heroin Coltrane. 244 00:11:44,879 --> 00:11:46,987 Mama! 245 00:11:46,989 --> 00:11:49,548 No, no, we can't bother Mommy... 246 00:11:49,550 --> 00:11:52,142 ...or she'll leave us all for good. 247 00:11:55,147 --> 00:11:57,647 Hey, champ, I lost $50,000 248 00:11:57,725 --> 00:12:00,834 on your pay-per-view fight against Vanilla Ice. 249 00:12:00,911 --> 00:12:02,318 You owe me! 250 00:12:02,396 --> 00:12:07,232 Come on, champ, I'm talking to you, champ. 251 00:12:07,234 --> 00:12:09,084 Oh, no, my Chekhov's gin. 252 00:12:15,178 --> 00:12:17,500 Nobody licks me but my tiger. 253 00:12:19,079 --> 00:12:22,022 That baby's a lap-sitting freeloader. 254 00:12:22,099 --> 00:12:25,267 I am sorry you have to put up with that guy. 255 00:12:25,343 --> 00:12:27,102 We're all just doing our best. 256 00:12:27,179 --> 00:12:31,273 Yeah. Parents don't get to go into airplane mode, do we? 257 00:12:31,349 --> 00:12:34,350 Thank God. Two sensible people. 258 00:12:35,930 --> 00:12:38,430 Wylder, it's time. 259 00:12:38,449 --> 00:12:40,615 - ♪ Let's all sing ♪ - Yeesh. 260 00:12:40,692 --> 00:12:41,767 ♪ The potty song ♪ 261 00:12:41,769 --> 00:12:43,118 Oh, no... No, no, no. 262 00:12:43,270 --> 00:12:46,380 Our little guy is on a strict potty training schedule. 263 00:12:47,624 --> 00:12:50,050 ♪ When it's time to make a poo-poo ♪ 264 00:12:50,052 --> 00:12:52,535 ♪ Give a shout, whoo-hoo. ♪ 265 00:12:52,613 --> 00:12:54,346 Whoo-hoo! 266 00:12:55,783 --> 00:12:57,207 No hoo! 267 00:12:57,284 --> 00:12:59,226 Um, do you guys have any diapers? 268 00:12:59,377 --> 00:13:01,470 Uh, we don't use the "D" word. 269 00:13:01,546 --> 00:13:02,788 Oh, boy. 270 00:13:02,790 --> 00:13:05,457 - Deal with your biohazard! - Change that baby! 271 00:13:05,459 --> 00:13:07,067 - What's wrong with you? - Oh, come on! 272 00:13:07,144 --> 00:13:09,069 That's not a baby, that's a hate crime. 273 00:13:09,784 --> 00:13:11,296 Lisa, where's the diaper bag? 274 00:13:11,315 --> 00:13:12,464 I don't have it. 275 00:13:12,466 --> 00:13:15,242 Why don't you ask your girlfriend, Maggie? 276 00:13:15,244 --> 00:13:17,727 Maggie's not my girlfriend, Marge is. 277 00:13:18,025 --> 00:13:21,039 That's it. Marge has it. 278 00:13:26,517 --> 00:13:27,491 There's the bag. 279 00:13:27,498 --> 00:13:29,498 Maggie, crawl through the clown fight. 280 00:13:33,596 --> 00:13:35,487 Don't kill him, champ. 281 00:13:35,489 --> 00:13:37,489 My pension is almost vested. 282 00:13:45,041 --> 00:13:47,107 Okay, Maggie, to the bathroom. 283 00:13:59,847 --> 00:14:01,288 We made it. 284 00:14:03,122 --> 00:14:04,141 Toilet Chef. 285 00:14:07,289 --> 00:14:08,378 In-laws! 286 00:14:09,447 --> 00:14:12,466 Care to join our Mile-High Book Club? 287 00:14:13,166 --> 00:14:14,301 Readers! 288 00:14:17,364 --> 00:14:18,713 SunChips. Give me, give me. 289 00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:31,276 What the...? 290 00:14:34,165 --> 00:14:35,889 Where is everybody? 291 00:14:36,016 --> 00:14:38,833 Please calmly return to your seat, sir. 292 00:14:38,835 --> 00:14:41,185 What did you do with all the horrible people I hate? 293 00:14:41,262 --> 00:14:42,445 Tell me what's going on. 294 00:14:42,597 --> 00:14:44,263 Or I'll seatbelt you good. 295 00:14:44,341 --> 00:14:46,674 And why don't they make the whole plane out of the... 296 00:14:46,693 --> 00:14:49,511 black box material...? 297 00:14:49,529 --> 00:14:50,862 This is your captain speaking. 298 00:14:51,014 --> 00:14:53,214 If you look to your left, you will see 299 00:14:53,216 --> 00:14:54,958 the magnificent Grand Canyon. 300 00:14:55,035 --> 00:15:00,021 Unless you're one of the 246 unruly souls who've been 301 00:15:00,023 --> 00:15:04,301 trap-doored into our complimentary in-flight prison. 302 00:15:15,405 --> 00:15:18,890 Trapdoors that lead to a prison? Since when? 303 00:15:18,892 --> 00:15:22,227 What monster could conceive of something this horrible? 304 00:15:22,229 --> 00:15:23,670 BurnsCo. 305 00:15:23,747 --> 00:15:27,248 Proudly installing trapdoor dungeon drops since 1926. 306 00:15:27,325 --> 00:15:29,067 Is there anything more satisfying 307 00:15:29,085 --> 00:15:32,237 than a scream of terror followed by a distant thud? 308 00:15:32,239 --> 00:15:34,181 Mr. Wingspan, this is America. 309 00:15:34,183 --> 00:15:36,349 When we violate people's civil liberties, 310 00:15:36,426 --> 00:15:39,427 we usually give them a heads-up, drop pamphlets, 311 00:15:39,504 --> 00:15:41,837 send a cruise missile, uh, something. 312 00:15:41,915 --> 00:15:45,583 Senator, I assure you, we did warn the passengers 313 00:15:45,585 --> 00:15:48,528 of the potential consequences of their actions. 314 00:15:48,680 --> 00:15:51,031 It's all in the safety video. 315 00:15:51,107 --> 00:15:53,182 But nobody watches those things. 316 00:15:57,855 --> 00:15:59,689 Should you choose to be unruly, 317 00:15:59,691 --> 00:16:03,376 you'll be trap-doored into our belly-of-the-plane prison. 318 00:16:03,378 --> 00:16:05,861 If your behavior is too extreme, 319 00:16:05,939 --> 00:16:08,215 a ball gag will fall from the ceiling. 320 00:16:08,291 --> 00:16:10,366 Please affix your own ball gag first 321 00:16:10,368 --> 00:16:13,220 before ball-gagging your child. 322 00:16:13,296 --> 00:16:15,037 See? I was right. 323 00:16:15,115 --> 00:16:17,707 I tried to warn you, but you all thought I was crazy. 324 00:16:17,784 --> 00:16:21,119 Not to criticize, but maybe it's your tone? 325 00:16:21,137 --> 00:16:22,954 My tone is fine! 326 00:16:25,550 --> 00:16:27,976 And that concludes your beverage service. 327 00:16:29,980 --> 00:16:31,887 He's pretty funny. 328 00:16:31,889 --> 00:16:33,965 No, he's not, he sucks. 329 00:16:33,984 --> 00:16:35,358 Take that! 330 00:16:37,412 --> 00:16:39,137 They can't do this to us! 331 00:16:39,139 --> 00:16:42,415 Buying a ticket gives us the right to do what we want. 332 00:16:42,567 --> 00:16:44,900 There's no law in the sky. 333 00:16:44,978 --> 00:16:46,828 I say we bust out. 334 00:16:46,904 --> 00:16:48,162 Who's with me? 335 00:16:50,484 --> 00:16:53,075 We'll need every available weapon. 336 00:16:53,153 --> 00:16:55,929 I got toenail clippers. And some pretty sharp toenails. 337 00:16:56,006 --> 00:16:59,724 I got an airsick bag of hot bathroom shrimp. 338 00:17:01,344 --> 00:17:02,994 My darling Marge. 339 00:17:02,996 --> 00:17:05,847 I am writing you from the cusp of yet another prison riot. 340 00:17:05,849 --> 00:17:08,275 If I die in this heroic escape attempt, 341 00:17:08,277 --> 00:17:10,001 remember me as a blameless victim. 342 00:17:10,003 --> 00:17:13,596 One who got caught up in the coach-to-prison pipeline. 343 00:17:13,598 --> 00:17:16,007 BTW, lost Maggie, hope she's with you. 344 00:17:16,009 --> 00:17:18,434 Lots going on. Shrug emoji. 345 00:17:29,614 --> 00:17:31,781 Marge is writing me back. 346 00:17:31,858 --> 00:17:33,949 Stop? Stop what? 347 00:17:33,969 --> 00:17:36,469 Wine, wine, wine? 348 00:17:36,546 --> 00:17:38,713 Do you want me to stop whining? 349 00:17:40,792 --> 00:17:42,717 Bee. Man. 350 00:17:42,719 --> 00:17:44,369 Be a man? 351 00:17:44,371 --> 00:17:46,204 X. Lobster. 352 00:17:46,206 --> 00:17:48,373 Don't be shellfish? 353 00:17:48,391 --> 00:17:51,967 Oh, my God, I am always thinking of my shelf. 354 00:17:51,969 --> 00:17:54,136 Window seat. 355 00:17:54,214 --> 00:17:57,549 Window seat. Window seat. 356 00:17:57,551 --> 00:17:59,809 No! This revolt is wrong. 357 00:17:59,886 --> 00:18:02,144 I know this because my wife just spoke to me 358 00:18:02,222 --> 00:18:05,314 in a series of direct and unambiguous emojis. 359 00:18:05,316 --> 00:18:08,409 Let us not be pigs. Or mules. 360 00:18:08,486 --> 00:18:10,653 Or a mermaid with a fax machine. 361 00:18:10,730 --> 00:18:12,822 Sure, we have to put up with baggage fees, 362 00:18:12,899 --> 00:18:17,735 no leg room, and those $20 "protein boxes." 363 00:18:17,737 --> 00:18:20,738 But flying is a modern miracle, 364 00:18:20,740 --> 00:18:24,166 and all that's asked of us in return 365 00:18:24,244 --> 00:18:28,079 is basic human decency. 366 00:18:30,007 --> 00:18:33,193 Mm, I could be more patient with kids and babies. 367 00:18:33,269 --> 00:18:35,937 After all, I am a preschool teacher. 368 00:18:35,939 --> 00:18:39,273 I'm sorry I savagely beat your husband with your hair bone. 369 00:18:41,110 --> 00:18:42,184 He's not my... 370 00:18:42,204 --> 00:18:44,186 Oh, forget it. 371 00:18:44,264 --> 00:18:46,021 So to quote my wife, 372 00:18:46,099 --> 00:18:48,541 we have to start acting civilized 373 00:18:48,618 --> 00:18:52,620 and stop being a bunch of huge... 374 00:18:52,697 --> 00:18:54,422 eggplants. 375 00:18:55,942 --> 00:18:57,717 Well, folks, now that you've exhibited 376 00:18:57,794 --> 00:18:59,386 a modicum of civility, 377 00:18:59,462 --> 00:19:01,221 the handcuff sign has been turned off. 378 00:19:01,297 --> 00:19:03,706 You are now free to return to your seats 379 00:19:03,708 --> 00:19:05,450 and work through the childhood trauma 380 00:19:05,452 --> 00:19:07,209 that led you to behave like the ugliest 381 00:19:07,287 --> 00:19:09,562 of ugly Americans today. 382 00:19:17,239 --> 00:19:18,721 Excuse me, Mrs. Simpson. 383 00:19:18,798 --> 00:19:20,632 We'll be landing soon, so we need you 384 00:19:20,634 --> 00:19:23,042 to return your seat to its upright position. 385 00:19:23,937 --> 00:19:25,728 What? We're landing? 386 00:19:25,805 --> 00:19:29,416 I slept through my first first class? 387 00:19:29,492 --> 00:19:33,161 Yes, but you got the most perfect flying experience 388 00:19:33,163 --> 00:19:34,829 anyone could ever ask for. 389 00:19:34,831 --> 00:19:38,073 You didn't even know you were on a plane. 390 00:19:38,075 --> 00:19:39,500 Aw. 391 00:19:39,577 --> 00:19:44,747 And then she gave me the best cookie of my entire life. 392 00:19:44,824 --> 00:19:47,082 Aw, cookie. 393 00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:50,753 After listening to the 14 hours of testimony today, 394 00:19:50,772 --> 00:19:53,422 I propose that Convenience Airways' 395 00:19:53,500 --> 00:19:57,018 radical passenger control system be approved for use 396 00:19:57,094 --> 00:19:59,520 across the entire airline industry. 397 00:19:59,597 --> 00:20:00,930 - Hear! Hear! - Yes. 398 00:20:01,007 --> 00:20:01,991 I agree. 399 00:20:02,008 --> 00:20:03,508 Well, I say, trap-door them all 400 00:20:03,510 --> 00:20:05,843 and let the FAA sort it out. 401 00:20:05,845 --> 00:20:07,011 Excellent. 402 00:20:07,013 --> 00:20:08,955 - So ordered. - Wait. 403 00:20:09,106 --> 00:20:12,366 As the one person who was not trap-doored on this flight, 404 00:20:12,485 --> 00:20:15,405 I believe I have the authority to say 405 00:20:15,440 --> 00:20:20,093 that mass in-flight incarceration is not the answer. 406 00:20:20,128 --> 00:20:21,784 We need thoughtful solutions 407 00:20:21,786 --> 00:20:25,120 to this epidemic of rudeness and disrespect. 408 00:20:25,198 --> 00:20:27,360 Sure, it's easy to push a button 409 00:20:27,395 --> 00:20:29,625 and drop all your problems down a trap... 410 00:20:29,627 --> 00:20:31,978 door...! 411 00:20:32,623 --> 00:20:33,888 Ow! 412 00:20:33,965 --> 00:20:36,483 Honey, are you hurt? 413 00:20:36,559 --> 00:20:40,316 I'm okay. I landed on my hair. 414 00:20:52,817 --> 00:20:55,451 In our Convenience Airways in-flight prison, 415 00:20:55,486 --> 00:20:57,486 cigarettes are not accepted as currency. 416 00:20:57,564 --> 00:21:00,823 Preferred method of payment is sexual favors. 417 00:21:00,825 --> 00:21:01,841 Please do not fashion 418 00:21:01,843 --> 00:21:04,173 the courtesy toothbrush into a shiv. 419 00:21:04,208 --> 00:21:07,572 Complimentary shivs are provided upon request. 420 00:21:07,574 --> 00:21:09,682 In the unlikely event of a water landing, 421 00:21:09,684 --> 00:21:12,852 your cellmate may be used as a floatation device. 422 00:21:13,004 --> 00:21:14,854 Should you tamper with your handcuffs, 423 00:21:14,931 --> 00:21:17,172 you will be ejected from the plane. 424 00:21:17,250 --> 00:21:19,767 Parachutes are available for purchase on our website. 425 00:21:19,844 --> 00:21:22,603 We know you have no choice in airplane prisons, 426 00:21:22,680 --> 00:21:25,681 but we appreciate you being locked up with us. 427 00:21:25,759 --> 00:21:29,494 And don't forget to sign up for our Frequent Felon Program. 428 00:21:32,599 --> 00:21:34,411 Shh! 429 00:21:36,432 --> 00:21:39,438 - synced and corrected by sot26 - www.addic7ed.com